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Although caring for one’s parents, under certain circumstances, can be very rewarding, it is the rare family that doesn’t experience heavy strains adjusting to the new arrangement. First of all, many of the aged really do not want to live with their children. If I’ve spent most of my adult life active in my church and community in Grinnell, Iowa, why would I want to throw away familiarity, my identity and relationships to go move in with a daughter who lives in Mineral, Virginia? Doing so, in and of itself, represents a loss of status, of a civic identity, acknowledgement of decline and loss of an independent future. After a lifetime of indepence, you have to answer to someone else.

Unresolved issues from the past affect the daughter and son, as well. In order to handle your mother’s demanding, critical nature did you have to move out of the state? Well…..you’ve got another opportunity to learn to deal with it in the relationship, without running away. Saying, and meaning, "Mother, I’m doing the best I can." without hostility, without defensiveness is a sign of growth, not badness. This is a chance to get beyond the guilt that’s so easily stimulated in you and to become your own person.

This little, frail person with failing memory doesn’t seem like such a scary person anymore. IT will no longer be necessary to run away. And you know what, that little, frail person is no longer be able to take care of you anymore either, even though they might be willing.

Coping with the aging parent is both an extra burden and an opportunity….for both of you. But you cannot avoid the pain.

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